Rally Genesis Relationships

A post on choosing God’s way over my way.

Hey Fam! I’m sorry I’ve been gone a long time. Those in my personal life know that I went through a divorce this past year, and it’s been the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. Being who He is, the Lord continues to refine and prune me in the process of my healing. So much has had to die—my hopes, dreams, and expectations, as well as my pride. A wrecking ball was taken to my heart, and all that was left was the foundation of my faith. In surviving this season of loss, I’ve been questioning God’s goodness. This next post is about the battle over entitlement to good things and doing it God’s way.

Is God’s goodness for me? Is His goodness a rule, or are there exceptions? I hear the echo of the church call back as I write this: “God is good all the time, and all the time He is good!” How good can He be, though, when I asked for things that align with His word, and He didn’t answer my prayers? I went to Him; I cast my cares; I sobbed and pleaded; I prayed with authority, and my answer was to “let go”. For a long time, I’ve been asking whether God has good things in store for me.

Even as a kid, my deepest desire was an intact family of my own. Two people coming together and choosing to love each other well, going through life with the humility to be faithful in forgiving the imperfections, being careful with each other’s hearts, and just enduring. I naively thought it was a simple matter of two people choosing each other every day. In fact, I still believe in that to a degree. But within the context of my faith, I now realize that both people have to subscribe to the same standard that informs how they treat a partner. If that’s not aligned, as the Bible says, “equally yoked,” it’s a house divided serving different interests (2 Corinthians 6:14; Mark 3:25).

I lost a version of what I thought was good, and the effects of that will continue to ripple through my life and my child’s, just as it did when the same thing happened to my parents and their parents before them. This good thing, the unity, selflessness, loyalty, and submission to one another that I think God called those who love Him and choose marriage to die to, I felt disqualified from. And, I wish it could say it made me run to the Father with open arms, but I closed them in bitterness. It has made me question if His way is good. I tried to do things His way, and from every angle, I feel I got burned. I thought to myself, “Maybe His goodness isn’t for me, so why am I trying so hard to live His way? What has it got me so far?”

But then the sword of the Spirit cut through the mess with truth (Hebrews 4:12)! Psalm 100:4-5 says this:

Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever; his faithfulness to all generations.

I’m thankful I serve a God who can handle my rage. I'm grateful that He doesn’t become defensive or break over my doubts. He’s the same yesterday and today, and the brokenness of my heart doesn’t surprise Him (Hebrews 13:8). Besides my own personal desires for love and family, He has given me a heart for restoration and healing through a ministry lived out in my work as a therapist. He knows how core to my identity a healthy connection is, as it is He who created me with a heart burdened with care for it. When I was met with the impostor syndrome that said that I can’t encourage people because my own life is a picture of failure, it really felt like my heart shrank. I don’t want to pretend like the whispers of “not being good enough” never knock me off kilter these days because they do. But I was challenged by the Holy Spirit, as always, to look at this a different way.

In my spirit, He questioned me on where what I love comes from. Is my entitlement to good things rooted in His goodness or mine ( James 1:17)? My desires for good things aren’t the problem, but going about them my own way is. He doesn’t go back on His Word. He’s faithful to fulfill it, but when I start changing the conditions of His standards to match my comfort, I dull the impact of His power in my life ( 1 Samuel 15:22-23). He reminded me of what I had been praying at the top of the year, “that I would live like the power of the Holy Spirit is active in my life…” To do that, I have to submit to His way. And to submit really means to trust. He’s asking me to trust His way over mine (1 Samuel 15:22-23). I can’t lead my own life, pick and choose what suits me, and ask Him to bless it. He’s not a liar, and He doesn’t produce counterfeit items. Anything He creates will stand the test of fire (Zechariah 13:9). He said to my heart, “You only have to look at the last year of your life for evidence of this truth”.

I know what this last year was like for me, and I know that it’s His hand that sustained me at every turn. When He gently probed my heart to obey when I was broken—when I had to choose humility, forgiveness, kindness, respect, and self-control, even though I wanted nothing to do with them- He honored those choices with His provision and protection. And now that I’m not so broken, like a sheep, I have forgotten the provision, and I’ve wanted to wander to what looks best to me. He, being the good Shepherd, has used His staff of redirection to point me toward Jesus, His way, and to remind me that His promises never come back void (John 10:11-18).

I hope this encourages you today because the same is true for you. As a child of God, you’re an heir, entitled to live under His authority, have access to His power, and have the protection of His provision (Romans 8:17; Ephesians 1:20-23). Whatever good thing you’re hoping for, know that He wants even better for you. And it’s His goodness that provides these things, born out of His way. In the good fight of faith, let us all continue to pursue it.